Wednesday, 17 May 2017

To The Mothers That Are Still Recovering...

This is a post for the mothers who had traumatic births; for the mothers who were separated from their babies, for the mothers who were robbed of their final weeks of pregnancy, for the mothers who struggle to overcome the battle they fought to survive. 

I have found myself struggling with all of this recently. I feel the more time passes the more pained I feel, the more things sink in, the more reality hits me hard in the face. As you all know and are probably bored of hearing about it, I had severe Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, resulting in my liver and kidney functions shutting down, my brain swelled to the point I couldn't communicate properly and was rushed in for an emergency c-section in my 34th week of pregnancy. I had no warning, I had no time to let it sink in that I was going to have my baby that day, it was all totally out of the blue.

I am a person that accepts things for how they are and tries to find a positive out of a negative, I just accepted it all, in the beginning and I thought I was handling it all fine. It is only now, 4 months on, that the flashbacks and reality of what happened has begun to haunt me. Childbirth is thought of as this magical, euphoric moment that a mother experiences when she sees her baby for the first time. It's spoken about since we were little and when we found out there was a little life inside us that was the light at the end of the tunnel. For some of us mothers, that light turned darker. Still amazing to meet our little angel that been growing side of us, but this meeting may have been a few days after we even gave birth. Fighting for our lives in recovery for days, worrying about our premature babies in incubators, not being able to meet your baby or not remembering it even if you did. This is only described as, a nightmare. I felt I needed to write this post for all of the mothers out there who are going through the same thing as I've spoken to so many and I feel we all need reassurance.

It is ok to break down and cry because you weren't there for your babies first few days earth side. It's ok to feel resentment towards life that it wouldn't allow you experience that moment of magic. It's totally ok to feel sick and angry towards people who take childbirth for granted. It's ok to never get over what you went through. It's normal for you to feel jealous of those that reach full term and it's absolutely fine for you to feel really pissed at those who don't care about themselves or their babies in pregnancy but still experience a perfect labour. We all feel these emotions and battle these feelings. But instead of doubting yourself that you're a bad person or that you've become resentful towards others, you haven't. This is just the process of trying to come to terms with the trauma you and your baby went through. It's all totally ok. 

Not everyone will understand, some people will be bored of trying to talk to you about it and say stupid things like, "You got the easy way out, you didn't have the pain of contractions" not knowing you'd do anything to feel them. Some will say, "Oh but you're lucky you had a c-section that's the easier option" not knowing that you had to learn to walk again, that you held onto walls whilst crying your eyes out in pain from the torn muscles from where your baby was pulled out. Others will say "Yes but it's all in the past now, and your baby's healthy that's all that matters, time to move on" not realising this makes you feel like your feelings don't matter and that it will haunt you forever and affect your decision of having anymore children. These things will get said but you have to be strong, pull strength from the upset you feel at these comments and be proud of yourself that you went through hell and came out fighting. Find a group of lovely mothers that do understand I promise you they will never get bored of trying to help, understand and support you.

Sorry this isn't my usual type of post but for me writing is my outlet and I've been battling with so many emotions recently I don't feel I can post my fashion posts and reviews until I've got this all out and hopefully help some other Mama's who are feeling similar! We are all Mothers no matter what and our babies are such a blessing but we have to look after ourselves too. Happy Mama, Happy Baby! And if any of you reading want to contact me or chat feel free to email or DM me on my instagram. 


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